English Pronunciation

I took this poem from Spelling.wordpress.com

This poem illustrates several reasons why English is so difficult to learn. Also brings out that English is a compiled language.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

English Pronunciation by G. Nolst Trenité

Take Me Home

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

The Unanswered Call

This story involves the pastor of a store front church. The pastor's church is called Almighty God Tabernacle. On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but he decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways.

The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about. Then the guy said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remember the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife. The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed 'God, if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the Caller ID and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was too afraid to answer!"

You Are Loved

May you find happiness
in every direction your
paths take you.
May you never lose
your sense of wonder,
and may you hold on to
the sense of humor
you use to brighten
the lives
of everyone who
knows you.
May you go beyond the
ordinary steps
and discover
extraordinary results.
May you keep on trying to
reach for your stars.
May you never forget how
wonderful you are.

May you always be patient
with the problems of life,
and know that any clouds
will eventually
give way to the sunlight of
your most hoped-for days.
May you be rewarded
with friendships
that get better and better,
and with love that blesses
your life forever.

May you meet every challenge
you are faced with,
recognize every golden
opportunity, and be blessed
with the knowledge
that you have the ability to
make every day special.
May you have enough
material wealth to meet your needs,
while never forgetting that
the real treasures of life
are the loved ones and friends
who are invaluable to the end.
May you search for serenity,
and discover it was within
you all along.

May you be strong enough
to keep your hopes and
dreams alive.
May you always be
gentle enough
to understand.
May you know
that you hold tomorrow
within your hands,
and that the way there
will be shared with the makings
of what will be your most
wonderful memories.
And may you always remember,
each step along the way...

You are loved more than words
can ever begin to say.

Poem by R.L. Keith

For my people... you know who you are

BREAKING NEWS:

The Pity Train has derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, & crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It. Any complaints about how we operate can be forwarded to 1 (800) BITE-MYASS. This is Dr. Butthurt reporting LIVE from Quitchur Bitchin'. If you like this, repost it. If you don't..suck it up cupcake, Life doesn't revolve around you!

(Taken from a friend on FB)

The Window

There were once two men, both seriously ill, in the same small room of a great hospital. Quite a small room, it had one window looking out on the world. One of the men, as part of his treatment, was allowed to sit up in bed for an hour in the afternoon (something to do with draining the fluid from his lungs). His bed was next to the window. But the other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

Every afternoon when the man next to the window was propped up for his hour, he would pass the time by describing what he could see outside. The window apparently overlooked a park where there was a lake. There were ducks and swans in the lake, and children came to throw them bread and sail model boats. Young lovers walked hand in hand beneath the trees, and there were flowers and stretches of grass, games of softball. And at the back, behind the fringe of trees, was a fine view of the city skyline.

The man on his back would listen to the other man describe all of this, enjoying every minute. He heard how a child nearly fell into the lake, and how beautiful the girls were in their summer dresses. His friend's descriptions eventually made him feel he could almost see what was happening outside.

Then one fine afternoon, the thought struck him: Why should the man next to the window have all the pleasure of seeing what was going on? Why shouldn't he get the chance? He felt ashamed, but the more he tried not to think like that, the worse he wanted a change. He'd do anything! One night as he stared at the ceiling, the other man suddenly woke up, coughing and choking, his hands groping for the button that would bring the nurse running. But the man watched without moving - even when the sound of breathing stopped. In the morning, the nurse found the other man dead, and quietly took his body away.

As soon as it seemed decent, the man asked if he could be switched to the bed next to the window. So they moved him, tucked him in, and made him quite comfortable. The minute they left, he propped himself up on one elbow, painfully and laboriously, and looked out the window.

It faced a blank wall.

By Author Unknown

(BAM)

save yourself.....

(originally posted by someone I follow on twitter, who got it somewhere else)

How To Be Happy

Give Lavishly!
Live Abundantly!
The more you give,
the more you get;
The more you laugh,
the less you fret.
The more you do
unselfishly,
The more you live
abundantly.
The more of everything
you share
The more you'll always
have to spare.
The more you love,
the more you'll find
That life is good
and friends are kind.
For only what
we give away
Enriches us
from day to day.

-- Alma

Should have taken a Mulligan

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
The policeman noticed this and stopped her, and said, “Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, “Why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' ”
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”


(OKOK, not my normal fare ... this one is from my dad via younger brother )

Freedom Is Not Free

By Major Kelly Strong

I watched the flag pass by one day,
it fluttered in the breeze,
A Young man in uniform saluted it,
and then he stood at ease.
I looked at him in uniform -
so young, so tall, so proud,
With hair cut square and eyes alert,
he'd stand out in the crowd.
I thought how many men like him
had fallen through the years?
How many died on foreign soil?
How many mother's tears?
How many pilots' planes shot down?
How many died at sea?
How many foxholes were soldiers' graves?
No, freedom is not free.
I heard the sound of taps one night,
when everything was still.
I listened to the bugler play
and felt a sudden chill.
I wondered just how many times
that taps had meant "Amen"
When a flag had draped a coffin
of a brother or a friend.
I thought of all the children,
of mothers and the wives
Of fathers, sons and husbands,
with interrupted lives.
I thought about a graveyard
at the bottom of the sea,
Of unmarked graves in Arlington.
No, freedom is not free.

(Yep, got another email)

The National Anthem

By Dr. Isaac Asimov

Editor's Note- Near the end of his life the great science fiction author Isaac Asimov wrote a short story about the four stanzas of our national anthem. However brief, this well-circulated piece is an eye opener from the dearly departed doctor......

          I have a weakness -- I am crazy. absolutely nuts, about our national anthem. The words are difficult and the tune is almost impossible, but frequently when I'm taking a shower I sing it with as much power and emotion as I can. It shakes me up every time.

          I was once asked to speak at a luncheon. Taking my life in my hands, I announced I was going to sing our national anthem -- all four stanzas.

This was greeted with loud groans. One man closed the door to the kitchen, where the noise of dishes and cutlery was loud and distracting. "Thanks, Herb," I said.

          "That's all right," he said. "It was at the request of the kitchen staff."

          I explained the background of the anthem and then sang all four stanzas. Let me tell you, those people had never heard it before -- or had never really listened. I got a standing ovation. But it was not me; it was the anthem.

          More recently, while conducting a seminar, I told my students the story of the anthem and sang all four stanzas. Again there was a wild ovation and prolonged applause. And again, it was the anthem and not me. So now let me tell you how it came to be written:

          In 1812, the United States went to war with Great Britain, primarily over freedom of the seas. We were in the right. For two years, we held off the British, even though we were still a rather weak country. Great Britain was in a life and death struggle with Napoleon. In fact, just as the United States declared war, Napoleon marched off to invade Russia. If he won, as everyone expected, he would control Europe, and Great Britain would be isolated. It was no time for her to be involved in an American war.

          At first, our seamen proved better than the British. After we won a battle on Lake Erie in 1813, the American commander, Oliver Hazard Perry, sent the message, "We have met the enemy and they are ours." However, the weight of the British navy beat down our ships eventually. New England, hard-hit by a tightening blockade, threatened secession.

          Meanwhile, Napoleon was beaten in Russia and in 1814 was forced to abdicate. Great Britain now turned its attention to the United States, launching a three-pronged attack.

          The northern prong was to come down Lake Champlain toward New York and seize parts of New England.

          The southern prong was to go up the Mississippi, take New Orleans and paralyze the west.

          The central prong was to head for the mid-Atlantic states and then attack Baltimore, the greatest port south of New York. If Baltimore was taken, the nation, which still hugged the Atlantic coast, could be split in two. The fate of the United States, then, rested to a large extent on the success or failure of the central prong.

          The British reached the American coast, and on August 24, 1814, took Washington, D.C. Then they moved up the Chesapeake Bay toward Baltimore. On September 12, they arrived and found 1,000 men in Fort McHenry, whose guns controlled the harbor. If the British wished to take Baltimore, they would have to take the fort.

          On one of the British ships was an aged physician, William Beanes, who had been arrested in Maryland and brought along as a prisoner. Francis Scott Key, a lawyer and friend of the physician, had come to the ship to negotiate his release. The British captain was willing, but the two Americans would have to wait. It was now the night of September 13, and the bombardment of Fort McHenry was about to start.

          As twilight deepened, Key and Beanes saw the American flag flying over Fort McHenry. Through the night, they heard bombs bursting and saw the red glare of rockets. They knew the fort was resisting and the American flag was still flying. But toward morning the bombardment ceased, and a dread silence fell. Either Fort McHenry had surrendered and the British flag flew above it, or the bombardment had failed and the American flag still flew.

          As dawn began to brighten the eastern sky, Key and Beanes stared out at the fort, trying to see which flag flew over it. He and the physician must have asked each other over and over, "Can you see the flag?"

          After it was all finished, Key wrote a four stanza poem telling the events of the night. Called "The Defense of Fort McHenry," it was published in newspapers and swept the nation. Someone noted that the words fit an old English tune called, "To Anacreon in Heaven" -- a difficult melody with an uncomfortably large vocal range. For obvious reasons, Key's work became known as "The Star Spangled Banner," and in 1931 Congress declared it the official anthem of the United States.

          Now that you know the story, here are the words. Presumably, the old doctor is speaking. This is what he asks Key:

>>>><<<< 

Oh! say, can you see, by the dawn's early light, What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight, O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?

And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there.

Oh! say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave, O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

>>>><<<< 

On the shore, dimly seen thro' the mist of the deep, Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes, What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep.

As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?

Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam, In full glory reflected, now shines on the stream 'Tis the star-spangled banner. Oh! long may it wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

>>><<<< 

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion A home and a country should leave us no more?

Their blood has washed out their foul footstep's pollution.

No refuge could save the hireling and slave From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave, And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

>>>><<<< 

Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand Between their loved homes and the war's desolation, Blest with victory and peace, may the Heaven - rescued land Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.

Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, And this be our motto --"In God is our trust."

And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

>>>><<<< 

I hope you will look at the national anthem with new eyes. Listen to it, the next time you have a chance, with new ears.

(sent to me via email)

Signers of the Declaration of Independence

  Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

  Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died.

  Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.  Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.  Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.

  They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.  What kind of men were they?

  Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists.  Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated.  But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.

  Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy.  He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

  Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly.  He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding.  His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

   Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

  At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr, noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters.  He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire.  The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

  Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed.  The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

  John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying.  Their 13 children fled for their lives.  His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste.  For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished.  A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart.

  Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates.  Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution.  These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians.  They were soft-spoken men of means and education.

  They had security, but they valued liberty more.  Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged:  "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor."

  They gave you and me a free and independent America.  The history books never told you a lot about what happened in the Revolutionary War.  We didn't fight just the British.  We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government!

  Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn't.  So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots.  It's not much to ask for the price they  paid.

(Received in an email)

A Salute To Our Fathers

4 Years Old -My Daddy can do anything.

5 Years Old -My Daddy knows a whole lot.
6 Years Old -My Daddy is smarter than your Dad.
8 Years Old -My dad doesn't know exactly everything.
10 Years Old - In the olden days when my Dad grew up, things were different.
12 Years Old - Oh well, naturally, Father doesn't know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood.
14 Years Old - Don't pay any attention to my Father. He is so old fashioned.
21 Years Old - Him? Lord, he's so hopelessly out of date.
25 Years Old - Dad knows a little about it, but then he should, because he's been around so long.
30 Years Old - Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks. After all, he's had a lot of experience.
35 Years Old - I'm not going to do a single thing until I talk to Dad.
40 Years Old - I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise and had a world of experience.
50 Years Old - I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't appreciate how smart he was.

--Author Unknown--

Deck of Cards

This is a story about a soldier in the North Africa Campaign in World War II.
     After heavy fighting, the man returned to camp.  The next day being Sunday, the Chaplain had set up church service.  The men were asked to take out their Bibles or Prayer Books.  The Chaplain noticed one soldier looking at a deck of cards.  After service, he was taken by the Chaplain to see the Major. The Chaplain explained to the Major what he had seen.  The Major told the young soldier he would have to be punished if he could not explain himself.
     The young soldier told the Major that during the battle, he had neither a Bible or a Prayer Book so he would use his deck of cards and explained:  Well sir, 

    The Ace, it tells me that there is one GOD and no other. 
    The "2," it reminds me that there are two parts of the Bible, the OLD TESTAMENT and the NEW TESTAMENT.
    The "3" tells me of the TRINITY OF GOD THE FATHER, GOD THE SON and GOD THE HOLY SPIRIT.
    The "4" reminds me of the FOUR GOSPELS, MATTHEW, MARK, LUKE and JOHN.
    The "5" it tells me of the FIVE UNWISE VIRGINS who were lost and that five were saved.

    The "6" makes me mindful that GOD CREATED THE EARTH IN JUST SIX DAYS, and GOD said that it was good.
    The "7" it reminds me that GOD RESTED ON THE SEVENTH DAY.
    The "8" it reminds me that GOD DESTROYED ALL LIFE BY WATER EXCEPT FOR EIGHT PEOPLE, Noah, his wife, their three sons, and their three son's wives.

    The "9" I think of the NINE LEPERS that GOD healed.  There were ten lepers in all, but only one stopped to thank him.
    The "10" reminds me of the TEN COMMANDMENTS carved in stone by the hand of GOD.
    The "JACK" makes me remember the Prince of Darkness.  Like a roaring lion, he devours those that he can.
    The "QUEEN" I see the BLESSED VIRGIN MARY, MOTHER OF JESUS.
    As I look at the last card, "THE KING," it reminds me that JESUS IS LORD OF LORDS and KING OF KINGS!
    There are 365 spots on a deck of cards, and that is the number of days in each year.  There are 52 cards to a deck and that is the number of weeks in a year.  There are 12 picture cards and that is the number of months in a year.  There are 4 different suits in a deck and that is the number of seasons in a year.  And so, the young soldier then said to the Major, "You see, Sir, that my intentions were honorable.  My deck of cards serves as my BIBLE, my PRAYER BOOK and my ALMANAC."  A deck of cards should most importantly remind us that we need JESUS 365 days, 52 weeks and 12 months a year and that we should always PRAY "4" others. 

    May you never look at a deck of cards the same way.  

~~Author Unknown~~

Not preaching, just  .... 

Quick Thinking

   A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

   Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

   Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

   Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

   The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

   Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says......................

"Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

(Oh ya. smart little doggie)

PAY ATTENTION!

   A funny story circulated recently about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes. Doyle evidently told of a time when he hailed a taxi in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

   Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.

   "No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before." Then he explained: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always arrive. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

   "This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"

   "There is one other thing," the driver said.

   "What is that?"

   "Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

(cute, real cute.)

A Son's love for his father, aaawwwww.......

The Written Word

   An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
  I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

   A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
  For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES...
Love Bubba

   At 4 A. M. the next morning, F. B. I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad
  Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Bubba

Double Dumbness

   Two fools were doing construction on a house. The guy who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.
   The other guy saw him tossing all the nails over his shoulder and asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
   The first guy said, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."
   The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You fool! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!" 

(yeah, yeah, old joke, still funny, though)

Are You Sure?

   A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
 

   "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
 

   With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").
 

   The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table.
 

   As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
 

   The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600 just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
 

   The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the lab work and the cat scan..........."

 

(Ya, I know. It's an old joke, but still funny)

Math and Music

 A dear lady (@BrightEyedDyer on twitter) wrote a poem about Math in my honor.
She came up with the idea of writing one while reading "Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carrol to her 7yrold.
Here's the LINK to her website.
Here's the poem she wrote:


To double you add twice as much,
Treble is a clef;
Math and music intertwine,
I think I'm going deaf.

You count the measure one to four,
Unless it has a three;
To take the measure of a man,
Is something else you see.

The numbers spiral up and down,
Don't let them catch you sleeping;
The wild ones will nip your toes,
And then you will be weeping.

Tame them all with signs and such,
Make them march around;
They'll do your bidding soon enough,
And then take you to town.



Here's the LINK to her original Post
(She had tweeted me the stanza's on Twitter before I read her blog)

Charity Begins At Home

   A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

   The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
 
   Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, "Um...no."
 
   "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
 
   The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
 
   The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
 
   On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "And if I don't give them a penny, why should I give any to you?!?" 

I love lawyer jokes. My best friend is one.

I Teach

    Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, I'm to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, and observe them for signs of abuse.

    I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem. I'm to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job, but I am never to ask if they are in this country illegally.

    I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer  advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage a respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, teach, always making sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.
 

    I'm required by my contract to be working on my own time (summers and evenings) and at my own expense towards additional certification, advanced certification and a master's degree, to sponsor the cheerleaders or the sophomore class (my choice) and after school I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status. I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority.  I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a few books and a bulletin board, and on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states. Is that all?"

Author Unknown

LOST!!

   A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

   The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

   He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

   Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"

   "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.

   Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."

It's All Your Fault!

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
  
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
  
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
  
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
  
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
  
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
  
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
  
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
  
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
 
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
  
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
  
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
  
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
 
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Lessons Wev'e Learn from Our Parents

Anticipation... "Just wait until we get home."

Receiving... "You are going to get it when we get home!"

Meeting a challenge... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

Logic... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

Medical Science... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

Thinking ahead... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

Humor..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

Becoming an adult..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

Genetics..."You're just like your father."

Roots... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

Justice..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

Just Desserts

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina .  A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed  a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON!                

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Valentines Day

   "Love is not what makes the world go round. Love is what makes the trip worthwhile." -Franklin Jones
 
   "When two people are at one in their innermost hearts, they shatter even the strength of iron or bronze, and when two people understand each other in their innermost hearts, their words are sweet and strong like the fragrance of orchids." -I Ching
 
   "Love should be a tree whose roots are deep in the earth, but whose branches extend into heaven." - Bertrand Russell
 
   "Man has no choice but to love. For when he does not, he finds his alternative lies in loneliness, destruction, and despair." -Anonymous
 
   "Loving people are happy, and happy people are loving." - Ken Keyes
 
   "Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law." - Boethius
 
   "Love is the only gold." -Tennyson

A Pet That Can Do Everything

     A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says "How about a dog?  

    The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

    The owner says, "How about a cat?"
 

    The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

    The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

    The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."  Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate.  All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."  Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything."   He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
 

    The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Where is that centipede??
 

    He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the story?!"

    The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

The Darwin Awards

I was sent this in an email. It did not the weblink to the appropriate site. I will add it when i find it. (I found it!!!)

The Darwin Awards are out!!!!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger . The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE?

Three construction workers were working on a sky scraper, discussing their lunch.

The first construction worker said, "Ham, ham, ham! All I ever get is a ham sandwich! I'm so sick of ham sandwiches. If I get another ham sandwich tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself."

The second construction worker said, "Turkey, turkey, turkey!! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I'm so sick of them! If I get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I'm gonna kill myself, too!"

The last construction worker said, "Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter! All I ever get for lunch is a peanut butter sandwich. I'm getting so sick of them! If I get another peanut butter sandwich, I'm going to join you guys and jump off this sky scraper."

The next day, the first construction worker got a ham sandwich. So he jumped off the building and killed himself. The second construction worker got another turkey sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself. And the third construction worker got a peanut butter sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself, too.

At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the first construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another ham sandwich."

The wife of the second construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another turkey sandwich."

The wife of the third construction worker said, "I don't know why he jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!"

It's a local call of course ...

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way.
As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a local call from here."
Author Unknown

Truth