Saturday, February 27, 2010


Taken from

Hey, What’s the Definition of…

Abusive …. What’s the matter, stupid, don’t you know the answer?

Ambivalence …. Well, it could be yes and it could be no.

Amnesia …. I forget.

Antipathy …. You would have to ask me that.

Amorous …. I love the way you ask that question.

Apathy …. I don’t care.

Apologetic …. I’m sorry that you have to ask me that.

Argumentative …. Are you looking for a fight?

Authoritarian …. I’ll tell you when you can ask me questions!

Bigotry …. I’m not going to tell someone like you.

Blasphemous …. God Dammit, I told you not to ask!

Compulsive …. I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!

Conditional …. Well, it depends.

Damnation …. You and your questions can go to hell!

Depressed …. You would have to ask me that.

Dyslexic …. Gniees sdrawkcab.

Egotistical …. I’m the best person to answer that question.

Evasive …. Have you done your homework today?

Exhausted …. I’m too tired to answer you right now.

Flatulent …. That question really stinks!

Greedy …. What’s in it for me if I tell you?

Hemorrhoids …. You know, this is a real pain in the butt!

Hostility …. If you ask me just one more question, I’ll kill you!

Hypochondriac …. The thought of it makes me sick.

Ignorance …. I don’t know.

Indifference …. It doesn’t matter.

Influenza …. You’ve got to be sick to ask me that question.

Insecure …. I don’t think I want to know thesanswer to that question.

Insensitive …. I don’t care if you don’t know the answer.

Insomnia …. I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

Intoxicated …. ** BURP **

Irreverent …. I swear to God, you ask too many questions!

Laconic …. ¥ep!

Masturbation …. I can single-handedly answer that question.

Narcissism …. Before I answer, tell me, don’t I look great?

Nausea …. That question is going to make me vomit.

Nonchalant …. It’s not important.

Obstinate …. I’m not going to tell you.

Optimistic … I’ll be able to answer any question you give me.

Over-Protective …. I don’t know if you’re ready for the answer.

Over-Sensitive …. How could you ask me a question like that?

Paranoid …. You think I don’t know the answer, don’t you?

Pessimistic …. I’m sure I won’t give the right answer.

Procrastination …. I’ll tell you tomorrow.

Repetitive …. I already told you the answer once before.

Sarcastic …. That’s a stupid question to ask me.

Secretive …. I can’t tell you right now.

Seductive …. Lets go somewhere private where I can answer that for you.

Self-Centered …. Well, I know the answer, that’s all that matters.

Senile …. When I was your age, we couldn’t ask these questions.

Subjective …. It’s all in how you look at the question.

Suspicious …. Why are you asking me all these questions?

Temperamental …. What the heck do you want to know that for???

Verbose …. I’m glad you asked me that question because I have done extensive research into that very issue and am probably the most qualified person you could find to give you an accurate answer to your inquiry.

Withdrawn ….

Friday, February 12, 2010

It takes a MAN!

One of my Brothers (I have 4 of them) sent me this tidbit, it was too good not to post here:


Just try reading this without laughing until you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.)

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it...she is such a sweet cat. If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsybitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, 'dipshit,'" reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

Thursday, February 11, 2010


Chemist’s Last Words
Posted by: Jester

1. And now the tasting test …
2. And now shake it a little bit …
3. In which glass was my mineral water?
4. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
5. And now the detonating gas problem.
6. This is a completely safe experimental setup.
7. Now you can take the protective glass away …
8. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
9. And now a cigarette …
10. Don’t worry, nothing ever happened during the testing phase…
taken from: