Thursday, March 24, 2011

Are You Sure?

   A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

   "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

   With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

   The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table.

   As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

   The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600 just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

   The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the lab work and the cat scan..........."


(Ya, I know. It's an old joke, but still funny)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Math and Music

 A dear lady (@BrightEyedDyer on twitter) wrote a poem about Math in my honor.
She came up with the idea of writing one while reading "Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carrol to her 7yrold.
Here's the LINK to her website.
Here's the poem she wrote:

To double you add twice as much,
Treble is a clef;
Math and music intertwine,
I think I'm going deaf.

You count the measure one to four,
Unless it has a three;
To take the measure of a man,
Is something else you see.

The numbers spiral up and down,
Don't let them catch you sleeping;
The wild ones will nip your toes,
And then you will be weeping.

Tame them all with signs and such,
Make them march around;
They'll do your bidding soon enough,
And then take you to town.

Here's the LINK to her original Post
(She had tweeted me the stanza's on Twitter before I read her blog)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Charity Begins At Home

   A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

   The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

   Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, ""

   "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

   The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

   The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

   On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "And if I don't give them a penny, why should I give any to you?!?" 

I love lawyer jokes. My best friend is one.

Friday, March 18, 2011

I Teach

    Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, I'm to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, and observe them for signs of abuse.

    I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem. I'm to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job, but I am never to ask if they are in this country illegally.

    I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer  advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage a respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, teach, always making sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.
    I'm required by my contract to be working on my own time (summers and evenings) and at my own expense towards additional certification, advanced certification and a master's degree, to sponsor the cheerleaders or the sophomore class (my choice) and after school I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status. I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority.  I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a few books and a bulletin board, and on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states. Is that all?"

Author Unknown

Friday, March 11, 2011


   A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

   The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

   He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

   Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"

   "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.

   Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."