Monday, February 21, 2011

It's All Your Fault!

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Friday, February 18, 2011

Lessons Wev'e Learn from Our Parents

Anticipation... "Just wait until we get home."

Receiving... "You are going to get it when we get home!"

Meeting a challenge... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

Logic... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

Medical Science... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

Thinking ahead... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

Humor..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

Becoming an adult..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

Genetics..."You're just like your father."

Roots... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

Justice..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Just Desserts

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina .  A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed  a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON!                

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines Day

   "Love is not what makes the world go round. Love is what makes the trip worthwhile." -Franklin Jones

   "When two people are at one in their innermost hearts, they shatter even the strength of iron or bronze, and when two people understand each other in their innermost hearts, their words are sweet and strong like the fragrance of orchids." -I Ching

   "Love should be a tree whose roots are deep in the earth, but whose branches extend into heaven." - Bertrand Russell

   "Man has no choice but to love. For when he does not, he finds his alternative lies in loneliness, destruction, and despair." -Anonymous

   "Loving people are happy, and happy people are loving." - Ken Keyes

   "Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law." - Boethius

   "Love is the only gold." -Tennyson

Sunday, February 13, 2011

A Pet That Can Do Everything

     A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says "How about a dog?  

    The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

    The owner says, "How about a cat?"
    The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

    The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

    The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."  Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate.  All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."  Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything."   He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
    The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Where is that centipede??
    He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the story?!"

    The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Darwin Awards

I was sent this in an email. It did not the weblink to the appropriate site. I will add it when i find it. (I found it!!!)

The Darwin Awards are out!!!!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger . The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Three construction workers were working on a sky scraper, discussing their lunch.

The first construction worker said, "Ham, ham, ham! All I ever get is a ham sandwich! I'm so sick of ham sandwiches. If I get another ham sandwich tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself."

The second construction worker said, "Turkey, turkey, turkey!! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I'm so sick of them! If I get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I'm gonna kill myself, too!"

The last construction worker said, "Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter! All I ever get for lunch is a peanut butter sandwich. I'm getting so sick of them! If I get another peanut butter sandwich, I'm going to join you guys and jump off this sky scraper."

The next day, the first construction worker got a ham sandwich. So he jumped off the building and killed himself. The second construction worker got another turkey sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself. And the third construction worker got a peanut butter sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself, too.

At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the first construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another ham sandwich."

The wife of the second construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another turkey sandwich."

The wife of the third construction worker said, "I don't know why he jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!"