Thursday, June 24, 2010

What to do on an airplane when you are seated next to a real jerk

My Brother sent me this:

What to do on an airplane when you are seated next to a real jerk:

1. Take out your laptop.

2. Slowly open your laptop.

3. Turn it on.

4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.

5. Open your internet browser.

6 Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the

sky, or the heavens if you will.

7. Breathe deeply and open this site:

8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.

fun, no??

Sunday, June 20, 2010


A friend emailed this to me:

4 Years Old -My Daddy can do anything.
5 Years Old -My Daddy knows a whole lot.
6 Years Old -My Daddy is smarter than your Dad.
8 Years Old -My dad doesn't know exactly everything.
10 Years Old - In the olden days when my Dad grew up, things were different.
12 Years Old - Oh well, naturally, Father doesn't know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood.
14 Years Old - Don't pay any attention to my Father. He is so old fashioned.
21 Years Old - Him? Lord, he's so hopelessly out of date.
25 Years Old - Dad knows a little about it, but then he should, because he's been around so long.
30 Years Old - Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks. After all, he's had a lot of experience.
35 Years Old - I'm not going to do a single thing until I talk to Dad.
40 Years Old - I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise and had a world of experience.
50 Years Old - I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't appreciate how smart he was.

Author Unknown

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Teenage Daughter Owner’s Manual

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.
Teenager Owner’s Manual

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teen aged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teen aged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teen aged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the “Break-In Period,” during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teen aged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teen aged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEEN AGED DAUGHTER: Having a teen aged daughter means learning the difference between the words “clean” and “neat.” Teen aged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I’m sure I’m going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing “clean” with “neat.” Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called “parents.”

FEEDING YOUR TEEN AGED DAUGHTER: Your teen aged daughter requires regular >meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I’m sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter’s idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEEN AGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teen aged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teen aged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: “High,” and “Ultra High.” Your daughter is “Ultra High.” This means that whatever you do won’t be enough and whatever you try won’t work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven’s sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teen aged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teen aged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she’s actually still there – you just have to look for her.

Taken from


A man kept bragging to his neighbor about how smart his bird dog was. The neighbor, growing tired of his bragging, finally said, "Let's take that dog out and see what it can really do."
Early the next morning, they started out through a cotton field and came to a small clump of bushes on the edge of the field. The dog's owner sent the dog in, and the dog came out and patted his foot one time. "There is one bird in that bush," said the owner. Sure enough, he sent the dog back in, and he flushed one bird.
Going on down the field, they came to a second clump of bushes. Again the dog was sent in and coming out patted his foot twice. "There are two birds in the bush," said the owner. Sure enough, the dog flushed two birds.
Down in the corner of the cotton patch was a large bunch of bushes. The dog's owner sent the dog into the bushes, and the dog came back out and seemed to go crazy. He started yanking cotton out of the stalks and grabbed a stick and started shaking it around.
"What is wrong with that crazy dog?" said the neighbor.
"You have to be able to read that dog," said the owner. "There are more cotton picking birds in that bush than you can shake a stick at."

Author Unknown


Saturday, June 12, 2010


Two From my younger Brother
Number 1:


If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Number 2:

Now We Know Why He Was a General -----

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function ..... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."