Daily Prayer

Dear Lord --
I'm proud to say, so far today
I've got along all right;
I have not gossiped, whined or bragged,
Or had a single fight.
I haven't lost my temper once,
Or criticized my mate,
I have not lied, I have not cried,
Or loudly cursed my fate.
So far today I've not one time
Been grumpy or morose,
I've not been spiteful, cold or vain,
Self-centered or verbose.
But, Lord, I'm going to need Your help
Throughout the hours ahead,
So give me strength, Dear Lord, for now
I'm getting out of bed.

You too, eh??

Absolutely Incredible

This man sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog Free to Good Home." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The man goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The man is floored... but says to the owner, "This dog is amazing, incredible..... Why on earth are you giving him away?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

I know, it's an old joke, but it still made you groan....

The Arrogance of Authority

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

A Dying Wish

An old preacher was dying after a long and virtuous life. He knew he did not have much more time left on earth and was looking forward to hanging out with Jesus in the throne room. As he was facing his last hours, he sent a message for his attorney and his accountant, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the Lawyer and accountant were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

The barrister said, "Reverend, the accountant and I are delighted to be so important that you chose us to wait by your bedside, but why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly; "My son, it's like this. My whole life I have tried to be like Jesus. And now I want to die like Jesus...between two thieves!"

(Did you see that one coming??)

AFRAID TO SPEAK UP

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?", asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes."

"Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"






I heard this one YEARS ago. I still laugh when I hear/read it.

The Business End Of The Shtick

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing in the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Funny?? let me know. i personally do not like pranks like this.

Is that right or left??

An grizzled old sea captain was often spotted by his crew opening a small, locked box on the bridge, peeking inside at its contents, and shutting the lid before anyone might glimpse inside. The crew's curiosity grew and, on the day he retired, they rushed to the bridge, cut the lock and looked inside the box. There they found a sheet of paper that read, "Left -- port. Right -- starboard."

Assuming ........

As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener. A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one.
In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point.
In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!"
In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open..."

ok, no comment ......

Seeing Eye Dogs

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f*****g Chihuahua ?!"

Another one from one of my brothers

Where Dogs Came From

Adam was walking in the garden and cried out to God, "You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

This one always makes me chuckle

Compromise

Author Unknown

A hunter raised his rifle and took careful aim at a large bear.
When about to pull the trigger, the bear spoke in a soft soothing voice, "Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let's negotiate the matter."
Lowering his rifle, the hunter replied, "I want a fur coat."
"Good," said the bear, "that is a negotiable item. I only want a full stomach, so let us sit down and negotiate a compromise."
They sat down to negotiate and after a time the bear walked away, alone. The negotiations had been successful.
The bear had a full stomach, and the hunter had his fur coat!

You saw that coming, didn't you??

Sharing

This is an old one ....

An elderly couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "the teeth".

Uh Oh!!

My Brother sent me this:
Wifey guffawed

A Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure. It's a great house.'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do..'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No. I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'

HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my golf clubs?'

HUSBAND: 'No. She's left-handed.'

WIFE: - silence -

HUSBAND: ' . . . Shit.'

A Boney Rant about Religion

too many people equate the RELIGION (Christianity, Judaism, Islam, etc.) with the people who practice it. MOST religions (including Christianity, Judaism, Islam, etc.) preach, encourage and support the philosophies and practice of peace, tolerance, justice and mercy. It's the radical elements (people who distort their religion to satisfy their own personal agenda and beliefs) that do violence in the name of their "RELIGION". God, Allah, Buddha, Jehovah, Whomever do not want their creation killing, destroying, maiming, torturing, hurting each other. It has been the PEOPLE who "claim" their "GOD" has called them to do this. It has been the "LEADERS" of the religion who distort the tenants of their "RELIGION" to fit their own wants and needs, to use their religion to point fingers, blame others, feel better than others, to set themselves a part and above. It is usually not about religion at all, but POWER. Power in the form of money, political influence and rule, control over natural resources (i.e. oil), power to tell others they are wrong. The original intent of most religions is personal. It is about ONE person and their own relationship with their "GOD" and how to make the world a better place for life, not about how we can beat up others in the name of our "GOD".

Some one had tweeted a link to some "Bone Art". The artist(s) had used human bones to make symbols and pictures. It was a bit of a religious/political statement. Some of the comments did not sit well with me, so I ranted. this is an expansion of that rant. Below is the link to the site that sparked this.

The Link

The Old Recluse

A certain old recluse lived deep in the mountains of Colorado. When he died, certain relatives came from the city to collect his valuables. Upon arriving, all they saw was an old shack with an outhouse beside it. Inside the shack, next to the rock fireplace, was an old cooking pot and his mining equipment. A cracked table with a three-legged chair stood guard by a tiny window, and a kerosene lamp served as the centerpiece for the table. In a dark corner of the little room was a dilapidated cot with a threadbare bedroll on it.
They picked up some of the old relics and started to leave. As they were driving away, an old friend of the recluse, on his mule, flagged them down. "Do you mind if I help myself to what's left in my friend's cabin?" He asked.
"Go right ahead," they replied. After all, they thought, what inside that shack could be worth anything?
The old friend entered the shack and walked directly over to the table. He reached under it and lifted one of the floorboards. He then proceeded to take out all the gold his friend had discovered over the past 53 years -- enough to have built a palace. The recluse died with only his friend knowing his true worth.
As the friend looked out of the little window and watched the cloud of dust behind the relative's car disappear, he said, "They shoulda got to know him better."

From an email I recieved