PAY ATTENTION!

   A funny story circulated recently about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes. Doyle evidently told of a time when he hailed a taxi in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

   Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.

   "No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before." Then he explained: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always arrive. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

   "This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"

   "There is one other thing," the driver said.

   "What is that?"

   "Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

(cute, real cute.)

A Son's love for his father, aaawwwww.......

The Written Word

   An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
  I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

   A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
  For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES...
Love Bubba

   At 4 A. M. the next morning, F. B. I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad
  Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Bubba

Double Dumbness

   Two fools were doing construction on a house. The guy who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.
   The other guy saw him tossing all the nails over his shoulder and asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
   The first guy said, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."
   The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You fool! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!" 

(yeah, yeah, old joke, still funny, though)

Are You Sure?

   A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
 

   "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
 

   With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").
 

   The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table.
 

   As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
 

   The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600 just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
 

   The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the lab work and the cat scan..........."

 

(Ya, I know. It's an old joke, but still funny)

Math and Music

 A dear lady (@BrightEyedDyer on twitter) wrote a poem about Math in my honor.
She came up with the idea of writing one while reading "Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carrol to her 7yrold.
Here's the LINK to her website.
Here's the poem she wrote:


To double you add twice as much,
Treble is a clef;
Math and music intertwine,
I think I'm going deaf.

You count the measure one to four,
Unless it has a three;
To take the measure of a man,
Is something else you see.

The numbers spiral up and down,
Don't let them catch you sleeping;
The wild ones will nip your toes,
And then you will be weeping.

Tame them all with signs and such,
Make them march around;
They'll do your bidding soon enough,
And then take you to town.



Here's the LINK to her original Post
(She had tweeted me the stanza's on Twitter before I read her blog)

Charity Begins At Home

   A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

   The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
 
   Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, "Um...no."
 
   "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
 
   The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
 
   The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
 
   On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "And if I don't give them a penny, why should I give any to you?!?" 

I love lawyer jokes. My best friend is one.

I Teach

    Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, I'm to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, and observe them for signs of abuse.

    I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem. I'm to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job, but I am never to ask if they are in this country illegally.

    I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer  advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage a respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, teach, always making sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.
 

    I'm required by my contract to be working on my own time (summers and evenings) and at my own expense towards additional certification, advanced certification and a master's degree, to sponsor the cheerleaders or the sophomore class (my choice) and after school I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status. I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority.  I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a few books and a bulletin board, and on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states. Is that all?"

Author Unknown

LOST!!

   A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

   The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

   He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

   Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"

   "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.

   Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."

It's All Your Fault!

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
  
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
  
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
  
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
  
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
  
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
  
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
  
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
  
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
 
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
  
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
  
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
  
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
 
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Lessons Wev'e Learn from Our Parents

Anticipation... "Just wait until we get home."

Receiving... "You are going to get it when we get home!"

Meeting a challenge... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

Logic... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

Medical Science... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

Thinking ahead... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

Humor..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

Becoming an adult..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

Genetics..."You're just like your father."

Roots... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

Justice..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

Just Desserts

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina .  A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed  a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON!                

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Valentines Day

   "Love is not what makes the world go round. Love is what makes the trip worthwhile." -Franklin Jones
 
   "When two people are at one in their innermost hearts, they shatter even the strength of iron or bronze, and when two people understand each other in their innermost hearts, their words are sweet and strong like the fragrance of orchids." -I Ching
 
   "Love should be a tree whose roots are deep in the earth, but whose branches extend into heaven." - Bertrand Russell
 
   "Man has no choice but to love. For when he does not, he finds his alternative lies in loneliness, destruction, and despair." -Anonymous
 
   "Loving people are happy, and happy people are loving." - Ken Keyes
 
   "Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law." - Boethius
 
   "Love is the only gold." -Tennyson

A Pet That Can Do Everything

     A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says "How about a dog?  

    The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

    The owner says, "How about a cat?"
 

    The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

    The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

    The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."  Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate.  All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."  Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything."   He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
 

    The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Where is that centipede??
 

    He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the story?!"

    The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

The Darwin Awards

I was sent this in an email. It did not the weblink to the appropriate site. I will add it when i find it. (I found it!!!)

The Darwin Awards are out!!!!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger . The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE?

Three construction workers were working on a sky scraper, discussing their lunch.

The first construction worker said, "Ham, ham, ham! All I ever get is a ham sandwich! I'm so sick of ham sandwiches. If I get another ham sandwich tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself."

The second construction worker said, "Turkey, turkey, turkey!! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I'm so sick of them! If I get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I'm gonna kill myself, too!"

The last construction worker said, "Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter! All I ever get for lunch is a peanut butter sandwich. I'm getting so sick of them! If I get another peanut butter sandwich, I'm going to join you guys and jump off this sky scraper."

The next day, the first construction worker got a ham sandwich. So he jumped off the building and killed himself. The second construction worker got another turkey sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself. And the third construction worker got a peanut butter sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself, too.

At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the first construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another ham sandwich."

The wife of the second construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another turkey sandwich."

The wife of the third construction worker said, "I don't know why he jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!"