Tuesday, May 4, 2010

How Old Are You?

Another goodie from my brother (My YOUNGER Brother)


Just in case you weren't feeling too old today .........

The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1992.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced two years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable..

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been microwaved .

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?',
'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ' or
'de plane Boss, de plane'.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Blonde Flight Attendant

Taken from yerjoking.net

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!”

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked. “Why not?”

She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Friday, April 2, 2010

Need Water?? Get a Tie...

from yerjoking.net

An Arab was plodding through the desert, desperate for water. After hours of the tortuous heat, he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Arab shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK,” said the old Jewish man, “it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

“Your brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

Friday, March 26, 2010

I KNEW IT!! I AM A RED SHIRT!!

Your results:
You are Beverly Crusher
Beverly Crusher
60%
An Expendable Character (Redshirt)
60%
Uhura
55%
Deanna Troi
55%
Spock
54%
Will Riker
50%
Data
49%
Leonard McCoy (Bones)
45%
James T. Kirk (Captain)
40%
Geordi LaForge
40%
Chekov
35%
Jean-Luc Picard
35%
Worf
35%
Mr. Scott
30%
Mr. Sulu
25%
A good physician and a caring parent.
You are devoted to your children
and to your occupation.


Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Test

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A Heart Lifting Elephant Story

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen-aged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant. (Ya think??)

Monday, March 8, 2010

Advice for Daughters

Advice for Daughters About Men

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal…

Taken from yerjoking.net

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Little Willie goes fishing

Warning, not for those of tender sensibilities:

A Fish Story

Enjoy,

Thomas

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Definitions

Taken from yerjoking.net

Hey, What’s the Definition of…

Abusive …. What’s the matter, stupid, don’t you know the answer?

Ambivalence …. Well, it could be yes and it could be no.

Amnesia …. I forget.

Antipathy …. You would have to ask me that.

Amorous …. I love the way you ask that question.

Apathy …. I don’t care.

Apologetic …. I’m sorry that you have to ask me that.

Argumentative …. Are you looking for a fight?

Authoritarian …. I’ll tell you when you can ask me questions!

Bigotry …. I’m not going to tell someone like you.

Blasphemous …. God Dammit, I told you not to ask!

Compulsive …. I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!

Conditional …. Well, it depends.

Damnation …. You and your questions can go to hell!

Depressed …. You would have to ask me that.

Dyslexic …. Gniees sdrawkcab.

Egotistical …. I’m the best person to answer that question.

Evasive …. Have you done your homework today?

Exhausted …. I’m too tired to answer you right now.

Flatulent …. That question really stinks!

Greedy …. What’s in it for me if I tell you?

Hemorrhoids …. You know, this is a real pain in the butt!

Hostility …. If you ask me just one more question, I’ll kill you!

Hypochondriac …. The thought of it makes me sick.

Ignorance …. I don’t know.

Indifference …. It doesn’t matter.

Influenza …. You’ve got to be sick to ask me that question.

Insecure …. I don’t think I want to know thesanswer to that question.

Insensitive …. I don’t care if you don’t know the answer.

Insomnia …. I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

Intoxicated …. ** BURP **

Irreverent …. I swear to God, you ask too many questions!

Laconic …. ¥ep!

Masturbation …. I can single-handedly answer that question.

Narcissism …. Before I answer, tell me, don’t I look great?

Nausea …. That question is going to make me vomit.

Nonchalant …. It’s not important.

Obstinate …. I’m not going to tell you.

Optimistic … I’ll be able to answer any question you give me.

Over-Protective …. I don’t know if you’re ready for the answer.

Over-Sensitive …. How could you ask me a question like that?

Paranoid …. You think I don’t know the answer, don’t you?

Pessimistic …. I’m sure I won’t give the right answer.

Procrastination …. I’ll tell you tomorrow.

Repetitive …. I already told you the answer once before.

Sarcastic …. That’s a stupid question to ask me.

Secretive …. I can’t tell you right now.

Seductive …. Lets go somewhere private where I can answer that for you.

Self-Centered …. Well, I know the answer, that’s all that matters.

Senile …. When I was your age, we couldn’t ask these questions.

Subjective …. It’s all in how you look at the question.

Suspicious …. Why are you asking me all these questions?

Temperamental …. What the heck do you want to know that for???

Verbose …. I’m glad you asked me that question because I have done extensive research into that very issue and am probably the most qualified person you could find to give you an accurate answer to your inquiry.

Withdrawn ….

Friday, February 12, 2010

It takes a MAN!

One of my Brothers (I have 4 of them) sent me this tidbit, it was too good not to post here:

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing until you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.)

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it...she is such a sweet cat. If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsybitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, 'dipshit,'" reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

uhoh.....

Chemist’s Last Words
Posted by: Jester

1. And now the tasting test …
2. And now shake it a little bit …
3. In which glass was my mineral water?
4. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
5. And now the detonating gas problem.
6. This is a completely safe experimental setup.
7. Now you can take the protective glass away …
8. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
9. And now a cigarette …
10. Don’t worry, nothing ever happened during the testing phase…
taken from:
yerjoking.net

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Oh Happy Day.......



borrowed this from @yerjokingnet on Twitter
Their website

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

My Bitstrip Series

Treed's Headlines Yes, just like Jay Leno’s.

While I was Tweeting …. Responses I got to the inquiry: “What was happening while you tweeted?”

Mr. Reed’s Dictionary Definitions according to, you guessed it, ME!! Actually, funny or odd definitions I have found.

#DMFails A DM in Twitter is a Direct Message, like a Private Message, a DM fail is when it gets posted globally, not to one person, with interesting results, OOPS!

Wisdom of Wifey Title says it all.

Caught on Twitter Odd bits and pieces I catch on Twitter.

Math Man Things that may or may not have happened in my classroom. And in education in general.

Random Stuff. Some of it is about my personal life, some is not. It’s just random bits.

Broken News A sardonic look at today's headlines and life in general. Some of it is funny, some is sarcastic, some is just commentary, but all of it is twisted.

iTweet Responses I received to the inquiry: “I tweet, therefore I …..”

Other Worlds A twisted sardonic silly look into the world of podcasting. I lampoon podcasts and podcasters I follow. I have some bloggers and podcast fans in there as well.


These are my on going series. There are a couple i have not listed for various reasons. Click on any of these to view the series or to get to my profile page click HERE!