Enjoy and Have Fun

English Pronunciation

2011-12-19T14:33:00.000-06:00

I took this poem from Spelling.wordpress.com

This poem illustrates several reasons why English is so difficult to learn. Also brings out that English is a compiled language.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

English Pronunciation by G. Nolst Trenité

Take Me Home

2011-08-19T09:42:00.000-05:00

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

The Unanswered Call

2011-08-18T16:24:00.000-05:00

This story involves the pastor of a store front church. The pastor's church is called Almighty God Tabernacle. On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but he decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways.

The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about. Then the guy said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remember the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife. The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed 'God, if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the Caller ID and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was too afraid to answer!"

You Are Loved

2011-08-15T09:22:00.000-05:00

May you find happiness
in every direction your
paths take you.
May you never lose
your sense of wonder,
and may you hold on to
the sense of humor
you use to brighten
the lives
of everyone who
knows you.
May you go beyond the
ordinary steps
and discover
extraordinary results.
May you keep on trying to
reach for your stars.
May you never forget how
wonderful you are.

May you always be patient
with the problems of life,
and know that any clouds
will eventually
give way to the sunlight of
your most hoped-for days.
May you be rewarded
with friendships
that get better and better,
and with love that blesses
your life forever.

May you meet every challenge
you are faced with,
recognize every golden
opportunity, and be blessed
with the knowledge
that you have the ability to
make every day special.
May you have enough
material wealth to meet your needs,
while never forgetting that
the real treasures of life
are the loved ones and friends
who are invaluable to the end.
May you search for serenity,
and discover it was within
you all along.

May you be strong enough
to keep your hopes and
dreams alive.
May you always be
gentle enough
to understand.
May you know
that you hold tomorrow
within your hands,
and that the way there
will be shared with the makings
of what will be your most
wonderful memories.
And may you always remember,
each step along the way...

You are loved more than words
can ever begin to say.

Poem by R.L. Keith

For my people... you know who you are

BREAKING NEWS:

2011-08-13T22:53:00.000-05:00

The Pity Train has derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, & crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It. Any complaints about how we operate can be forwarded to 1 (800) BITE-MYASS. This is Dr. Butthurt reporting LIVE from Quitchur Bitchin'. If you like this, repost it. If you don't..suck it up cupcake, Life doesn't revolve around you!

(Taken from a friend on FB)

The Window

2011-07-24T17:00:00.000-05:00

There were once two men, both seriously ill, in the same small room of a great hospital. Quite a small room, it had one window looking out on the world. One of the men, as part of his treatment, was allowed to sit up in bed for an hour in the afternoon (something to do with draining the fluid from his lungs). His bed was next to the window. But the other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

Every afternoon when the man next to the window was propped up for his hour, he would pass the time by describing what he could see outside. The window apparently overlooked a park where there was a lake. There were ducks and swans in the lake, and children came to throw them bread and sail model boats. Young lovers walked hand in hand beneath the trees, and there were flowers and stretches of grass, games of softball. And at the back, behind the fringe of trees, was a fine view of the city skyline.

The man on his back would listen to the other man describe all of this, enjoying every minute. He heard how a child nearly fell into the lake, and how beautiful the girls were in their summer dresses. His friend's descriptions eventually made him feel he could almost see what was happening outside.

Then one fine afternoon, the thought struck him: Why should the man next to the window have all the pleasure of seeing what was going on? Why shouldn't he get the chance? He felt ashamed, but the more he tried not to think like that, the worse he wanted a change. He'd do anything! One night as he stared at the ceiling, the other man suddenly woke up, coughing and choking, his hands groping for the button that would bring the nurse running. But the man watched without moving - even when the sound of breathing stopped. In the morning, the nurse found the other man dead, and quietly took his body away.

As soon as it seemed decent, the man asked if he could be switched to the bed next to the window. So they moved him, tucked him in, and made him quite comfortable. The minute they left, he propped himself up on one elbow, painfully and laboriously, and looked out the window.

It faced a blank wall.

By Author Unknown

(BAM)

save yourself.....

2011-07-20T10:22:00.002-05:00

(originally posted by someone I follow on twitter, who got it somewhere else)

How To Be Happy

2011-07-19T23:34:00.000-05:00

Give Lavishly!
Live Abundantly!
The more you give,
the more you get;
The more you laugh,
the less you fret.
The more you do
unselfishly,
The more you live
abundantly.
The more of everything
you share
The more you'll always
have to spare.
The more you love,
the more you'll find
That life is good
and friends are kind.
For only what
we give away
Enriches us
from day to day.

-- Alma

Should have taken a Mulligan

2011-07-06T18:00:00.005-05:00

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
The policeman noticed this and stopped her, and said, “Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, “Why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' ”
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”

(OKOK, not my normal fare ... this one is from my dad via younger brother )

Freedom Is Not Free

2011-07-03T12:47:00.000-05:00

By Major Kelly Strong

I watched the flag pass by one day,
it fluttered in the breeze,
A Young man in uniform saluted it,
and then he stood at ease.
I looked at him in uniform -
so young, so tall, so proud,
With hair cut square and eyes alert,
he'd stand out in the crowd.
I thought how many men like him
had fallen through the years?
How many died on foreign soil?
How many mother's tears?
How many pilots' planes shot down?
How many died at sea?
How many foxholes were soldiers' graves?
No, freedom is not free.
I heard the sound of taps one night,
when everything was still.
I listened to the bugler play
and felt a sudden chill.
I wondered just how many times
that taps had meant "Amen"
When a flag had draped a coffin
of a brother or a friend.
I thought of all the children,
of mothers and the wives
Of fathers, sons and husbands,
with interrupted lives.
I thought about a graveyard
at the bottom of the sea,
Of unmarked graves in Arlington.
No, freedom is not free.

(Yep, got another email)

The National Anthem

2011-07-02T09:32:00.000-05:00

By Dr. Isaac Asimov

Editor's Note- Near the end of his life the great science fiction author Isaac Asimov wrote a short story about the four stanzas of our national anthem. However brief, this well-circulated piece is an eye opener from the dearly departed doctor......

I have a weakness -- I am crazy. absolutely nuts, about our national anthem. The words are difficult and the tune is almost impossible, but frequently when I'm taking a shower I sing it with as much power and emotion as I can. It shakes me up every time.

I was once asked to speak at a luncheon. Taking my life in my hands, I announced I was going to sing our national anthem -- all four stanzas.

This was greeted with loud groans. One man closed the door to the kitchen, where the noise of dishes and cutlery was loud and distracting. "Thanks, Herb," I said.

"That's all right," he said. "It was at the request of the kitchen staff."

I explained the background of the anthem and then sang all four stanzas. Let me tell you, those people had never heard it before -- or had never really listened. I got a standing ovation. But it was not me; it was the anthem.

More recently, while conducting a seminar, I told my students the story of the anthem and sang all four stanzas. Again there was a wild ovation and prolonged applause. And again, it was the anthem and not me. So now let me tell you how it came to be written:

In 1812, the United States went to war with Great Britain, primarily over freedom of the seas. We were in the right. For two years, we held off the British, even though we were still a rather weak country. Great Britain was in a life and death struggle with Napoleon. In fact, just as the United States declared war, Napoleon marched off to invade Russia. If he won, as everyone expected, he would control Europe, and Great Britain would be isolated. It was no time for her to be involved in an American war.

At first, our seamen proved better than the British. After we won a battle on Lake Erie in 1813, the American commander, Oliver Hazard Perry, sent the message, "We have met the enemy and they are ours." However, the weight of the British navy beat down our ships eventually. New England, hard-hit by a tightening blockade, threatened secession.

Meanwhile, Napoleon was beaten in Russia and in 1814 was forced to abdicate. Great Britain now turned its attention to the United States, launching a three-pronged attack.

The northern prong was to come down Lake Champlain toward New York and seize parts of New England.

The southern prong was to go up the Mississippi, take New Orleans and paralyze the west.

The central prong was to head for the mid-Atlantic states and then attack Baltimore, the greatest port south of New York. If Baltimore was taken, the nation, which still hugged the Atlantic coast, could be split in two. The fate of the United States, then, rested to a large extent on the success or failure of the central prong.

The British reached the American coast, and on August 24, 1814, took Washington, D.C. Then they moved up the Chesapeake Bay toward Baltimore. On September 12, they arrived and found 1,000 men in Fort McHenry, whose guns controlled the harbor. If the British wished to take Baltimore, they would have to take the fort.

On one of the British ships was an aged physician, William Beanes, who had been arrested in Maryland and brought along as a prisoner. Francis Scott Key, a lawyer and friend of the physician, had come to the ship to negotiate his release. The British captain was willing, but the two Americans would have to wait. It was now the night of September 13, and the bombardment of Fort McHenry was about to start.

As twilight deepened, Key and Beanes saw the American flag flying over Fort McHenry. Through the night, they heard bombs bursting and saw the red glare of rockets. They knew the fort was resisting and the American flag was still flying. But toward morning the bombardment ceased, and a dread silence fell. Either Fort McHenry had surrendered and the British flag flew above it, or the bombardment had failed and the American flag still flew.

As dawn began to brighten the eastern sky, Key and Beanes stared out at the fort, trying to see which flag flew over it. He and the physician must have asked each other over and over, "Can you see the flag?"

After it was all finished, Key wrote a four stanza poem telling the events of the night. Called "The Defense of Fort McHenry," it was published in newspapers and swept the nation. Someone noted that the words fit an old English tune called, "To Anacreon in Heaven" -- a difficult melody with an uncomfortably large vocal range. For obvious reasons, Key's work became known as "The Star Spangled Banner," and in 1931 Congress declared it the official anthem of the United States.

Now that you know the story, here are the words. Presumably, the old doctor is speaking. This is what he asks Key:

>>>><<<<

Oh! say, can you see, by the dawn's early light, What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight, O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?

And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there.

Oh! say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave, O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

>>>><<<<

On the shore, dimly seen thro' the mist of the deep, Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes, What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep.

As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?

Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam, In full glory reflected, now shines on the stream 'Tis the star-spangled banner. Oh! long may it wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

>>><<<<

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion A home and a country should leave us no more?

Their blood has washed out their foul footstep's pollution.

No refuge could save the hireling and slave From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave, And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

>>>><<<<

Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand Between their loved homes and the war's desolation, Blest with victory and peace, may the Heaven - rescued land Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.

Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, And this be our motto --"In God is our trust."

And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

>>>><<<<

I hope you will look at the national anthem with new eyes. Listen to it, the next time you have a chance, with new ears.

(sent to me via email)

Signers of the Declaration of Independence

2011-07-01T16:37:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died.

Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.

They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor. What kind of men were they?

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated. But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr, noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart.

Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates. Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education.

They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor."

They gave you and me a free and independent America. The history books never told you a lot about what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't fight just the British. We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government!

Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn't. So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid.

(Received in an email)

A Salute To Our Fathers

2011-06-19T21:33:00.002-05:00

4 Years Old -My Daddy can do anything.

5 Years Old -My Daddy knows a whole lot.
6 Years Old -My Daddy is smarter than your Dad.
8 Years Old -My dad doesn't know exactly everything.
10 Years Old - In the olden days when my Dad grew up, things were different.
12 Years Old - Oh well, naturally, Father doesn't know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood.
14 Years Old - Don't pay any attention to my Father. He is so old fashioned.
21 Years Old - Him? Lord, he's so hopelessly out of date.
25 Years Old - Dad knows a little about it, but then he should, because he's been around so long.
30 Years Old - Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks. After all, he's had a lot of experience.
35 Years Old - I'm not going to do a single thing until I talk to Dad.
40 Years Old - I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise and had a world of experience.
50 Years Old - I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't appreciate how smart he was.

--Author Unknown--

Deck of Cards

2011-06-17T22:33:00.000-05:00

This is a story about a soldier in the North Africa Campaign in World War II.
After heavy fighting, the man returned to camp. The next day being Sunday, the Chaplain had set up church service. The men were asked to take out their Bibles or Prayer Books. The Chaplain noticed one soldier looking at a deck of cards. After service, he was taken by the Chaplain to see the Major. The Chaplain explained to the Major what he had seen. The Major told the young soldier he would have to be punished if he could not explain himself.
The young soldier told the Major that during the battle, he had neither a Bible or a Prayer Book so he would use his deck of cards and explained: Well sir,

    The Ace, it tells me that there is one GOD and no other.
    The "2," it reminds me that there are two parts of the Bible, the OLD TESTAMENT and the NEW TESTAMENT.
    The "3" tells me of the TRINITY OF GOD THE FATHER, GOD THE SON and GOD THE HOLY SPIRIT.
    The "4" reminds me of the FOUR GOSPELS, MATTHEW, MARK, LUKE and JOHN.
    The "5" it tells me of the FIVE UNWISE VIRGINS who were lost and that five were saved.

    The "6" makes me mindful that GOD CREATED THE EARTH IN JUST SIX DAYS, and GOD said that it was good.
    The "7" it reminds me that GOD RESTED ON THE SEVENTH DAY.
    The "8" it reminds me that GOD DESTROYED ALL LIFE BY WATER EXCEPT FOR EIGHT PEOPLE, Noah, his wife, their three sons, and their three son's wives.

    The "9" I think of the NINE LEPERS that GOD healed. There were ten lepers in all, but only one stopped to thank him.
    The "10" reminds me of the TEN COMMANDMENTS carved in stone by the hand of GOD.
    The "JACK" makes me remember the Prince of Darkness. Like a roaring lion, he devours those that he can.
    The "QUEEN" I see the BLESSED VIRGIN MARY, MOTHER OF JESUS.
    As I look at the last card, "THE KING," it reminds me that JESUS IS LORD OF LORDS and KING OF KINGS!
    There are 365 spots on a deck of cards, and that is the number of days in each year. There are 52 cards to a deck and that is the number of weeks in a year. There are 12 picture cards and that is the number of months in a year.  There are 4 different suits in a deck and that is the number of seasons in a year. And so, the young soldier then said to the Major, "You see, Sir, that my intentions were honorable. My deck of cards serves as my BIBLE, my PRAYER BOOK and my ALMANAC." A deck of cards should most importantly remind us that we need JESUS 365 days, 52 weeks and 12 months a year and that we should always PRAY "4" others.

May you never look at a deck of cards the same way.

~~Author Unknown~~

Not preaching, just ....

Quick Thinking

2011-05-15T21:25:00.000-05:00

   A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

   Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

   Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

   Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

   The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

   Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says......................

"Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

(Oh ya. smart little doggie)

PAY ATTENTION!

2011-05-12T07:00:00.000-05:00

A funny story circulated recently about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes. Doyle evidently told of a time when he hailed a taxi in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.

"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before." Then he explained: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always arrive. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

(cute, real cute.)

A Son's love for his father, aaawwwww.......

2011-05-09T12:30:00.000-05:00

The Written Word

   An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

   A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES...
Love Bubba

   At 4 A. M. the next morning, F. B. I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Bubba

Double Dumbness

2011-05-03T09:56:00.000-05:00

   Two fools were doing construction on a house. The guy who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.
   The other guy saw him tossing all the nails over his shoulder and asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
   The first guy said, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."
   The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You fool! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

(yeah, yeah, old joke, still funny, though)

Are You Sure?

2011-03-24T09:20:00.000-05:00

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table.

As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600 just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the lab work and the cat scan..........."

(Ya, I know. It's an old joke, but still funny)

Math and Music

2011-03-22T12:31:00.003-05:00

A dear lady (@BrightEyedDyer on twitter) wrote a poem about Math in my honor.
She came up with the idea of writing one while reading "Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carrol to her 7yrold.
Here's the LINK to her website.
Here's the poem she wrote:

To double you add twice as much,
Treble is a clef;
Math and music intertwine,
I think I'm going deaf.

You count the measure one to four,
Unless it has a three;
To take the measure of a man,
Is something else you see.

The numbers spiral up and down,
Don't let them catch you sleeping;
The wild ones will nip your toes,
And then you will be weeping.

Tame them all with signs and such,
Make them march around;
They'll do your bidding soon enough,
And then take you to town.

Here's the LINK to her original Post
(She had tweeted me the stanza's on Twitter before I read her blog)

Charity Begins At Home

2011-03-20T11:47:00.000-05:00

   A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

   The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

   Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, "Um...no."

   "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

   The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

   The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

   On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "And if I don't give them a penny, why should I give any to you?!?"

I love lawyer jokes. My best friend is one.

I Teach

2011-03-18T16:35:00.000-05:00

Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, I'm to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, and observe them for signs of abuse.

I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem. I'm to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job, but I am never to ask if they are in this country illegally.

I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage a respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, teach, always making sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.

I'm required by my contract to be working on my own time (summers and evenings) and at my own expense towards additional certification, advanced certification and a master's degree, to sponsor the cheerleaders or the sophomore class (my choice) and after school I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status. I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a few books and a bulletin board, and on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states. Is that all?"

Author Unknown

LOST!!

2011-03-11T09:32:00.002-06:00

   A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

   The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

   He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

   Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"

   "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.

   Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."

It's All Your Fault!

2011-02-21T12:33:00.000-06:00

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Lessons Wev'e Learn from Our Parents

2011-02-18T16:12:00.000-06:00

Anticipation... "Just wait until we get home."

Receiving... "You are going to get it when we get home!"

Meeting a challenge... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

Logic... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

Medical Science... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

Thinking ahead... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

Humor..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

Becoming an adult..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

Genetics..."You're just like your father."

Roots... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

Justice..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

Just Desserts

2011-02-15T20:05:00.000-06:00

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Valentines Day

2011-02-14T07:40:00.000-06:00

   "Love is not what makes the world go round. Love is what makes the trip worthwhile." -Franklin Jones

   "When two people are at one in their innermost hearts, they shatter even the strength of iron or bronze, and when two people understand each other in their innermost hearts, their words are sweet and strong like the fragrance of orchids." -I Ching

   "Love should be a tree whose roots are deep in the earth, but whose branches extend into heaven." - Bertrand Russell

   "Man has no choice but to love. For when he does not, he finds his alternative lies in loneliness, destruction, and despair." -Anonymous

   "Loving people are happy, and happy people are loving." - Ken Keyes

   "Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law." - Boethius

   "Love is the only gold." -Tennyson

A Pet That Can Do Everything

2011-02-13T19:02:00.000-06:00

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says "How about a dog?

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything." He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Where is that centipede??

He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the story?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

The Darwin Awards

2011-02-09T09:50:00.001-06:00

I was sent this in an email. It did not the weblink to the appropriate site. I will add it when i find it. (I found it!!!)

The Darwin Awards are out!!!!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger . The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE?

2011-02-08T10:15:00.000-06:00

Three construction workers were working on a sky scraper, discussing their lunch.

The first construction worker said, "Ham, ham, ham! All I ever get is a ham sandwich! I'm so sick of ham sandwiches. If I get another ham sandwich tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself."

The second construction worker said, "Turkey, turkey, turkey!! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I'm so sick of them! If I get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I'm gonna kill myself, too!"

The last construction worker said, "Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter! All I ever get for lunch is a peanut butter sandwich. I'm getting so sick of them! If I get another peanut butter sandwich, I'm going to join you guys and jump off this sky scraper."

The next day, the first construction worker got a ham sandwich. So he jumped off the building and killed himself. The second construction worker got another turkey sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself. And the third construction worker got a peanut butter sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself, too.

At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the first construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another ham sandwich."

The wife of the second construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another turkey sandwich."

The wife of the third construction worker said, "I don't know why he jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!"

It's a local call of course ...

2011-01-11T09:18:00.002-06:00

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way.
As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a local call from here."
Author Unknown

Truth

Daily Prayer

2010-12-15T12:45:00.000-06:00

Dear Lord --
I'm proud to say, so far today
I've got along all right;
I have not gossiped, whined or bragged,
Or had a single fight.
I haven't lost my temper once,
Or criticized my mate,
I have not lied, I have not cried,
Or loudly cursed my fate.
So far today I've not one time
Been grumpy or morose,
I've not been spiteful, cold or vain,
Self-centered or verbose.
But, Lord, I'm going to need Your help
Throughout the hours ahead,
So give me strength, Dear Lord, for now
I'm getting out of bed.

You too, eh??

Absolutely Incredible

2010-12-12T10:14:00.000-06:00

This man sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog Free to Good Home." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The man goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The man is floored... but says to the owner, "This dog is amazing, incredible..... Why on earth are you giving him away?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

I know, it's an old joke, but it still made you groan....

The Arrogance of Authority

2010-12-11T16:59:00.000-06:00

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

A Dying Wish

2010-11-19T19:43:00.000-06:00

An old preacher was dying after a long and virtuous life. He knew he did not have much more time left on earth and was looking forward to hanging out with Jesus in the throne room. As he was facing his last hours, he sent a message for his attorney and his accountant, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the Lawyer and accountant were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

The barrister said, "Reverend, the accountant and I are delighted to be so important that you chose us to wait by your bedside, but why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly; "My son, it's like this. My whole life I have tried to be like Jesus. And now I want to die like Jesus...between two thieves!"

(Did you see that one coming??)

AFRAID TO SPEAK UP

2010-11-02T09:46:00.000-05:00

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?", asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes."

"Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

I heard this one YEARS ago. I still laugh when I hear/read it.

The Business End Of The Shtick

2010-10-28T08:54:00.000-05:00

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing in the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Funny?? let me know. i personally do not like pranks like this.

Is that right or left??

2010-10-25T10:03:00.000-05:00

An grizzled old sea captain was often spotted by his crew opening a small, locked box on the bridge, peeking inside at its contents, and shutting the lid before anyone might glimpse inside. The crew's curiosity grew and, on the day he retired, they rushed to the bridge, cut the lock and looked inside the box. There they found a sheet of paper that read, "Left -- port. Right -- starboard."

Assuming ........

2010-10-22T22:23:00.000-05:00

As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener. A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one.
In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point.
In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!"
In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open..."

ok, no comment ......

Seeing Eye Dogs

2010-10-22T17:44:00.001-05:00

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f*****g Chihuahua ?!"

Another one from one of my brothers

Where Dogs Came From

2010-10-20T10:38:00.000-05:00

Adam was walking in the garden and cried out to God, "You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

This one always makes me chuckle

Compromise

2010-10-18T06:45:00.000-05:00

Author Unknown

A hunter raised his rifle and took careful aim at a large bear.
When about to pull the trigger, the bear spoke in a soft soothing voice, "Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let's negotiate the matter."
Lowering his rifle, the hunter replied, "I want a fur coat."
"Good," said the bear, "that is a negotiable item. I only want a full stomach, so let us sit down and negotiate a compromise."
They sat down to negotiate and after a time the bear walked away, alone. The negotiations had been successful.
The bear had a full stomach, and the hunter had his fur coat!

You saw that coming, didn't you??

Sharing

2010-10-17T18:57:00.001-05:00

This is an old one ....

An elderly couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "the teeth".

Uh Oh!!

2010-10-15T23:10:00.001-05:00

My Brother sent me this:
Wifey guffawed

A Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure. It's a great house.'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do..'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No. I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'

HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my golf clubs?'

HUSBAND: 'No. She's left-handed.'

WIFE: - silence -

HUSBAND: ' . . . Shit.'

A Boney Rant about Religion

2010-10-07T19:15:00.000-05:00

too many people equate the RELIGION (Christianity, Judaism, Islam, etc.) with the people who practice it. MOST religions (including Christianity, Judaism, Islam, etc.) preach, encourage and support the philosophies and practice of peace, tolerance, justice and mercy. It's the radical elements (people who distort their religion to satisfy their own personal agenda and beliefs) that do violence in the name of their "RELIGION". God, Allah, Buddha, Jehovah, Whomever do not want their creation killing, destroying, maiming, torturing, hurting each other. It has been the PEOPLE who "claim" their "GOD" has called them to do this. It has been the "LEADERS" of the religion who distort the tenants of their "RELIGION" to fit their own wants and needs, to use their religion to point fingers, blame others, feel better than others, to set themselves a part and above. It is usually not about religion at all, but POWER. Power in the form of money, political influence and rule, control over natural resources (i.e. oil), power to tell others they are wrong. The original intent of most religions is personal. It is about ONE person and their own relationship with their "GOD" and how to make the world a better place for life, not about how we can beat up others in the name of our "GOD".

Some one had tweeted a link to some "Bone Art". The artist(s) had used human bones to make symbols and pictures. It was a bit of a religious/political statement. Some of the comments did not sit well with me, so I ranted. this is an expansion of that rant. Below is the link to the site that sparked this.

The Link

The Old Recluse

2010-09-30T11:38:00.002-05:00

A certain old recluse lived deep in the mountains of Colorado. When he died, certain relatives came from the city to collect his valuables. Upon arriving, all they saw was an old shack with an outhouse beside it. Inside the shack, next to the rock fireplace, was an old cooking pot and his mining equipment. A cracked table with a three-legged chair stood guard by a tiny window, and a kerosene lamp served as the centerpiece for the table. In a dark corner of the little room was a dilapidated cot with a threadbare bedroll on it.
They picked up some of the old relics and started to leave. As they were driving away, an old friend of the recluse, on his mule, flagged them down. "Do you mind if I help myself to what's left in my friend's cabin?" He asked.
"Go right ahead," they replied. After all, they thought, what inside that shack could be worth anything?
The old friend entered the shack and walked directly over to the table. He reached under it and lifted one of the floorboards. He then proceeded to take out all the gold his friend had discovered over the past 53 years -- enough to have built a palace. The recluse died with only his friend knowing his true worth.
As the friend looked out of the little window and watched the cloud of dust behind the relative's car disappear, he said, "They shoulda got to know him better."

From an email I recieved

George And The Dragon

2010-09-24T19:33:00.000-05:00

George And The Dragon

A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. "No!" she said rather sternly.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she said again.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" by this time she was fairly shouting.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?"

Taken from the pages of "Readers Digest"

2010-09-19T10:11:00.000-05:00

Choices

A NERVOUS ATTENDANT on my husband's flight announced: "I don't know how this happened, but we have 100 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight." Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"

-- Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Patricia Gill

A friend emailed this to me

A Penny For Your Thoughts

2010-08-18T13:22:00.002-05:00

A Penny For Your Thoughts

Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house. The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants.
Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely. As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment.
Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts. Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny. He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?
Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value. A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?
"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says."
She read the words "United States of America."
"No, not that; read further."
"One cent?"
"No, keep reading."
"In God We Trust?"
"Yes!"
"And?"
"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him... For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful! "
When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, "In God We Trust," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message. It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And God is patient.

Author Unknown

What Men Really Mean

2010-08-16T07:12:00.002-05:00

What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering what was the final score of the big game."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

~~Author Unknown~~

Good Old Days

2010-08-15T22:13:00.000-05:00

You need the new product called the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK). It is so easy even a child can operate it. It can be used anywhere – yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM. Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper, each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder that keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. The user scans each sheet optically, registering information directly into his or her brain.

And then there's this:

The Seed

2010-08-12T11:03:00.000-05:00

You may already you know this one, but it is always worth the re-read.

The Seed

Once there was an emperor in the Far East who was growing old and knew it was coming time to choose his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or one of his own children, he decided to do something different.
He called all the young people in the kingdom together one day. He said, "It has come time for me to step down and to choose the next emperor. I have decided to choose one of you." The kids were shocked! But the emperor continued. "I am going to give each one of you a seed today. One seed. It is a very special seed. I want you to go home, plant the seed, water it and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring to me, and the one I choose will be the next emperor of the kingdom!"
There was one boy named Ling who was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly told his mother the whole story. She helped him get a pot and some planting soil, and he planted the seed and watered it carefully. Every day he would water it and watch to see if it had grown.
After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Ling kept going home and checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by. Still nothing.
By now others were talking about their plants but Ling didn't have a plant, and he felt like a failure. Six months went by, still nothing in Ling's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Ling didn't say anything to his friends, however. He just kept waiting for his seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought their plants to the emperor for inspection. Ling told his mother that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she encouraged him to go, and to take his pot, and to be honest about what happened. Ling felt sick to his stomach, but he knew his mother was right. He took his empty pot to the palace.
When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by all the other youths. They were beautiful, in all shapes and sizes. Ling put his empty pot on the floor and many of the other kinds laughed at him. A few felt sorry for him and just said, "Hey nice try."
When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young people. Ling just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees and flowers you have grown," said the emperor. "Today, one of you will be appointed the next emperor!"
All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front.
Ling was terrified. "The emperor knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me killed!"
When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. "My name is Ling," he replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun of him. The emperor asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling, and then announced to the crowd, "Behold your new emperor! His name is Ling!"
Ling couldn't believe it. Ling couldn't even grow his seed. How could he be the new emperor?
Then the emperor said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds which would not grow. All of you, except Ling, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new emperor!"

- From "In The Garden With Jesus", by Tiziana Ruff

A BALANCED DIET

2010-08-11T09:55:00.000-05:00

Amusing, worth a grin ...
A BALANCED DIET

I had adopted many creatures of the woods--raccoons, possums, foxes and skunks--and put out peanut-butter sandwiches for them each night. When I was going to be away for a week, my husband reluctantly agreed to prepare the nightly feast for my animal friends as long as I purchased the ingredients.
At the supermarket, the boy bagged my order in silence until he reached the last loaf of bread and the last container of peanut butter. Then he looked me in the eye. "Lady," he commented dryly, "when you're eating the last peanut-butter sandwich, you're going to wish you'd bought some jelly."
-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States" by Sue Giffin Litwin

Ah, Nuts ....

2010-08-07T07:17:00.002-05:00

COMPLIMENTARY

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.
The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts - they're complimentary."

Oh Danny Boy ...

2010-07-01T09:19:00.003-05:00

What to do on an airplane when you are seated next to a real jerk

2010-06-24T21:24:00.000-05:00

My Brother sent me this:

What to do on an airplane when you are seated next to a real jerk:

1. Take out your laptop.

2. Slowly open your laptop.

3. Turn it on.

4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.

5. Open your internet browser.

6 Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the

sky, or the heavens if you will.

7. Breathe deeply and open this site:

http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.

fun, no??

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!

2010-06-20T08:04:00.002-05:00

A friend emailed this to me:

4 Years Old -My Daddy can do anything.
5 Years Old -My Daddy knows a whole lot.
6 Years Old -My Daddy is smarter than your Dad.
8 Years Old -My dad doesn't know exactly everything.
10 Years Old - In the olden days when my Dad grew up, things were different.
12 Years Old - Oh well, naturally, Father doesn't know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood.
14 Years Old - Don't pay any attention to my Father. He is so old fashioned.
21 Years Old - Him? Lord, he's so hopelessly out of date.
25 Years Old - Dad knows a little about it, but then he should, because he's been around so long.
30 Years Old - Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks. After all, he's had a lot of experience.
35 Years Old - I'm not going to do a single thing until I talk to Dad.
40 Years Old - I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise and had a world of experience.
50 Years Old - I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't appreciate how smart he was.

Author Unknown

Teenage Daughter Owner’s Manual

2010-06-13T23:35:00.000-05:00

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.
Teenager Owner’s Manual

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teen aged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teen aged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teen aged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the “Break-In Period,” during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teen aged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teen aged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEEN AGED DAUGHTER: Having a teen aged daughter means learning the difference between the words “clean” and “neat.” Teen aged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I’m sure I’m going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing “clean” with “neat.” Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called “parents.”

FEEDING YOUR TEEN AGED DAUGHTER: Your teen aged daughter requires regular >meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I’m sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter’s idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEEN AGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teen aged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teen aged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: “High,” and “Ultra High.” Your daughter is “Ultra High.” This means that whatever you do won’t be enough and whatever you try won’t work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven’s sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teen aged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teen aged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she’s actually still there – you just have to look for her.

Taken from yerjoking.net

BIRD DOG BRILLIANCE

2010-06-13T10:05:00.000-05:00

A man kept bragging to his neighbor about how smart his bird dog was. The neighbor, growing tired of his bragging, finally said, "Let's take that dog out and see what it can really do."
Early the next morning, they started out through a cotton field and came to a small clump of bushes on the edge of the field. The dog's owner sent the dog in, and the dog came out and patted his foot one time. "There is one bird in that bush," said the owner. Sure enough, he sent the dog back in, and he flushed one bird.
Going on down the field, they came to a second clump of bushes. Again the dog was sent in and coming out patted his foot twice. "There are two birds in the bush," said the owner. Sure enough, the dog flushed two birds.
Down in the corner of the cotton patch was a large bunch of bushes. The dog's owner sent the dog into the bushes, and the dog came back out and seemed to go crazy. He started yanking cotton out of the stalks and grabbed a stick and started shaking it around.
"What is wrong with that crazy dog?" said the neighbor.
"You have to be able to read that dog," said the owner. "There are more cotton picking birds in that bush than you can shake a stick at."

Author Unknown

heehee

YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THESE GUYS....

2010-06-12T17:30:00.000-05:00

Two From my younger Brother
Number 1:

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Number 2:

Now We Know Why He Was a General -----

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function ..... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

How's This For Nostalgia?

2010-05-25T22:34:00.002-05:00

Are you old enough to remember?

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

It took three minutes for the TV to warm up?

Nobody owned a purebred dog?

When a quarter was a decent allowance?

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?

Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?

You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?

Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . and they did it!

When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends? and saying things like, 'That cloud looks like a... '?

Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?

Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today.

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?

Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

. .as well as summers filled with bike rides, Hula Hoops, and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yeah, I remember that'?

Who can still remember Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow knows, Nellie Bell , Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.

How Many Of These Do You Remember?
Candy cigarettes

Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.

Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.

Coffee shops with Table Side Jukeboxes.

Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum.

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.

Newsreels before the movie.

Telephone numbers with a word prefix...( Yukon 2-601). Party lines.

Peashooters.

Howdy Doody.

Hi-Fi's & 45 RPM records.

78 RPM records!

Green Stamps.

Mimeograph paper.

The Fort Apache Play Set.

Do You Remember a Time When..

Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, 'Do Over!'?

'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?

Catching The Fireflies Could Happily Occupy An Entire Evening?

It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'?

Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a Slingshot?

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?

'Oly-oly-oxen-free' made perfect sense?

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?

The Worst Embarrassment was being picked last for a team?

War was a card game?

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant orange - flavored chewable aspirin?

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have Lived!!!!!!!

Why Teachers Cry .......

2010-05-14T22:56:00.000-05:00

Then Jesus took his disciples up on the mountain and gathered them around Him. And He taught them, saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit,
Blessed are the meek,
Blessed are the merciful,
Blessed are you who thirst for justice,
Blessed are you who are persecuted,
Blessed are the peacemakers . . .

And Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this stuff down?"
And Philip said, "Will this be on the test?"
And John said, "I'm sorry. Would you mind repeating that?"
And Andrew said, "John the Baptist's disciples don't have to learn this stuff!"
And Matthew said, "Huh?"
And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?"
Then, one of the Pharisees, and expert in the law said, "I don't see any of this in your syllabus. Do you have a lesson plan? Is there a summary? Where is the student guide? Will there be any follow-up assignments? How will this affect the bell curve?"
And Thomas, who had missed the sermon, came to Jesus privately and said, "Did we do anything important yesterday?"
And Jesus wept.

Author Unknown

A friend sent us this in an email. Made us chuckle a bit.

I'll get around to titling this later

2010-05-06T19:04:00.000-05:00

Top Ten Reason to Procrastinate
1.

yep ...

How Old Are You?

2010-05-04T21:11:00.001-05:00

Another goodie from my brother (My YOUNGER Brother)

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today .........

The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1992.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced two years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable..

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been microwaved .

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?',
'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ' or
'de plane Boss, de plane'.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Blonde Flight Attendant

2010-04-20T22:23:00.000-05:00

Taken from yerjoking.net

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!”

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked. “Why not?”

She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Need Water?? Get a Tie...

2010-04-02T20:12:00.000-05:00

from yerjoking.net

An Arab was plodding through the desert, desperate for water. After hours of the tortuous heat, he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Arab shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK,” said the old Jewish man, “it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

“Your brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

I KNEW IT!! I AM A RED SHIRT!!

2010-03-26T20:48:00.003-05:00

Your results:
You are Beverly Crusher

Beverly Crusher		60%
An Expendable Character (Redshirt)		60%
Uhura		55%
Deanna Troi		55%
Spock		54%
Will Riker		50%
Data		49%
Leonard McCoy (Bones)		45%
James T. Kirk (Captain)		40%
Geordi LaForge		40%
Chekov		35%
Jean-Luc Picard		35%
Worf		35%
Mr. Scott		30%
Mr. Sulu		25%

A good physician and a caring parent.
You are devoted to your children
and to your occupation.

Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Test

A Heart Lifting Elephant Story

2010-03-17T21:49:00.000-05:00

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen-aged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant. (Ya think??)

Bitstrips

2010-03-16T22:22:00.000-05:00

Dead Hunt

Broken News

Advice for Daughters

2010-03-08T19:05:00.001-06:00

Advice for Daughters About Men

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal…

Taken from yerjoking.net

Little Willie goes fishing

2010-03-06T13:46:00.000-06:00

Warning, not for those of tender sensibilities:

A Fish Story

Enjoy,

Thomas

Definitions

2010-02-27T20:01:00.000-06:00

Taken from yerjoking.net

Hey, What’s the Definition of…

Abusive …. What’s the matter, stupid, don’t you know the answer?

Ambivalence …. Well, it could be yes and it could be no.

Amnesia …. I forget.

Antipathy …. You would have to ask me that.

Amorous …. I love the way you ask that question.

Apathy …. I don’t care.

Apologetic …. I’m sorry that you have to ask me that.

Argumentative …. Are you looking for a fight?

Authoritarian …. I’ll tell you when you can ask me questions!

Bigotry …. I’m not going to tell someone like you.

Blasphemous …. God Dammit, I told you not to ask!

Compulsive …. I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!

Conditional …. Well, it depends.

Damnation …. You and your questions can go to hell!

Depressed …. You would have to ask me that.

Dyslexic …. Gniees sdrawkcab.

Egotistical …. I’m the best person to answer that question.

Evasive …. Have you done your homework today?

Exhausted …. I’m too tired to answer you right now.

Flatulent …. That question really stinks!

Greedy …. What’s in it for me if I tell you?

Hemorrhoids …. You know, this is a real pain in the butt!

Hostility …. If you ask me just one more question, I’ll kill you!

Hypochondriac …. The thought of it makes me sick.

Ignorance …. I don’t know.

Indifference …. It doesn’t matter.

Influenza …. You’ve got to be sick to ask me that question.

Insecure …. I don’t think I want to know thesanswer to that question.

Insensitive …. I don’t care if you don’t know the answer.

Insomnia …. I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

Intoxicated …. ** BURP **

Irreverent …. I swear to God, you ask too many questions!

Laconic …. ¥ep!

Masturbation …. I can single-handedly answer that question.

Narcissism …. Before I answer, tell me, don’t I look great?

Nausea …. That question is going to make me vomit.

Nonchalant …. It’s not important.

Obstinate …. I’m not going to tell you.

Optimistic … I’ll be able to answer any question you give me.

Over-Protective …. I don’t know if you’re ready for the answer.

Over-Sensitive …. How could you ask me a question like that?

Paranoid …. You think I don’t know the answer, don’t you?

Pessimistic …. I’m sure I won’t give the right answer.

Procrastination …. I’ll tell you tomorrow.

Repetitive …. I already told you the answer once before.

Sarcastic …. That’s a stupid question to ask me.

Secretive …. I can’t tell you right now.

Seductive …. Lets go somewhere private where I can answer that for you.

Self-Centered …. Well, I know the answer, that’s all that matters.

Senile …. When I was your age, we couldn’t ask these questions.

Subjective …. It’s all in how you look at the question.

Suspicious …. Why are you asking me all these questions?

Temperamental …. What the heck do you want to know that for???

Verbose …. I’m glad you asked me that question because I have done extensive research into that very issue and am probably the most qualified person you could find to give you an accurate answer to your inquiry.

Withdrawn ….

It takes a MAN!

2010-02-12T20:01:00.001-06:00

One of my Brothers (I have 4 of them) sent me this tidbit, it was too good not to post here:

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing until you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.)

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it...she is such a sweet cat. If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsybitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, 'dipshit,'" reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

uhoh.....

2010-02-11T18:58:00.001-06:00

Chemist’s Last Words
Posted by: Jester

1. And now the tasting test …
2. And now shake it a little bit …
3. In which glass was my mineral water?
4. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
5. And now the detonating gas problem.
6. This is a completely safe experimental setup.
7. Now you can take the protective glass away …
8. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
9. And now a cigarette …
10. Don’t worry, nothing ever happened during the testing phase…
taken from:
yerjoking.net

Matt F'N Wallace

2010-01-04T00:53:00.000-06:00

Matt Wallace

BS

2010-01-03T20:31:00.000-06:00

JC Hutchin's Website

Oh Happy Day.......

2009-12-31T20:56:00.000-06:00

borrowed this from @yerjokingnet on Twitter
Their website

My Bitstrip Series

2009-12-23T12:41:00.003-06:00

Treed's Headlines Yes, just like Jay Leno’s.

While I was Tweeting …. Responses I got to the inquiry: “What was happening while you tweeted?”

Mr. Reed’s Dictionary Definitions according to, you guessed it, ME!! Actually, funny or odd definitions I have found.

#DMFails A DM in Twitter is a Direct Message, like a Private Message, a DM fail is when it gets posted globally, not to one person, with interesting results, OOPS!

Wisdom of Wifey Title says it all.

Caught on Twitter Odd bits and pieces I catch on Twitter.

Math Man Things that may or may not have happened in my classroom. And in education in general.

Random Stuff. Some of it is about my personal life, some is not. It’s just random bits.

Broken News A sardonic look at today's headlines and life in general. Some of it is funny, some is sarcastic, some is just commentary, but all of it is twisted.

iTweet Responses I received to the inquiry: “I tweet, therefore I …..”

Other Worlds A twisted sardonic silly look into the world of podcasting. I lampoon podcasts and podcasters I follow. I have some bloggers and podcast fans in there as well.

These are my on going series. There are a couple i have not listed for various reasons. Click on any of these to view the series or to get to my profile page click HERE!

Meet Karen

2009-11-26T18:40:00.000-06:00

MY SiL stars in one of my bitstrips:

this is a WOW!

2009-11-17T22:11:00.001-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zxa6P73

unbelievable story

Two New Broken News reports and a retread

2009-11-14T22:07:00.001-06:00

here's the latest

here's the second

Click on the strip, there be typos here.....

here's the one before

Hope ya'll enjoy......

Mana from Heaven

2009-11-14T13:46:00.000-06:00

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.

She couldn't get him off her mind and thinking that he might be in financial difficulties. She took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia." She threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat, and went off down the street.

The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.

She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what the bills were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."

another email from a friend

God's man

2009-11-14T13:36:00.001-06:00

The Reverend Johannes Osiander (1657-1724) of Tubingen, Germany, was
knocked down by a wild boar, had his horse fall on him during a flood, was
shot at by bandits, was buried under an avalanche, was blown into the Rhine
River by a blizzard, was crushed by a fallen tree, was shipwrecked, and even
run over by a ship. He escaped unharmed every time.

Got this in an email from a friend

Fun for the brain, a punny few jokes

2009-10-21T18:40:00.002-05:00

Got these from a friend via email. (yes, this is a disclaimer, but only if you don't laugh)

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and was standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

When Cars Have Voice

2009-10-12T16:34:00.002-05:00

Click the comic. (Raises my Viewed numbers)
If you have a Bitstrip account, please leave a comment their (raises me in the ratings)
And if you don't have an account, click the comic (still raises my Viewed numbers) and leave a comment here.

Thanks and Enjoy

Twitter Mozaic

2009-09-27T23:10:00.002-05:00

Get your twitter mosaic here.

Civilized Behavour??

2009-09-17T18:19:00.000-05:00

A Lawyer's Donation

2009-09-14T18:19:00.001-05:00

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at nearly $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

(Found this here)

THE BEATLES!!

2009-09-13T12:27:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted my last few bitstrips here, so if you want to get caught up, click the comic and browse my series.

Click the comic. (Raises my Viewed numbers)
If you have a Bitstrip account, please leave a comment their (raises me in the ratings)
And if you don't have an account, click the comic (still raises my Viewed numbers) and leave a comment here.

Thanks and Enjoy

Parking Fees

2009-09-06T22:55:00.002-05:00

A Cowboy from Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for a loan officer..

He told the loan officer that he was going out of town on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized about having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Red Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire from the Texas Oil industry... What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000 and pay interest on it!"

The Texan replied, "Now, where else in New York City could I park my Red Ferrari for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

We are not as dumb as they think we are.

(ya'll know I am from Texas, right??)

Why our country is in trouble

2009-08-25T21:39:00.002-05:00

Again my brother sends me a goodie..........

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ''

his response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.
Nickie

If it isn't true, it should be

2009-08-22T19:55:00.002-05:00

My younger brother sent me this one:

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again..

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people

Can I Borrow a Minute of your Time

2009-08-17T22:20:00.001-05:00

MY EYES!!

2009-08-14T21:23:00.001-05:00

Title Fight: Round 5

2009-08-10T14:58:00.002-05:00

Ear, um, Food??

2009-08-08T23:20:00.002-05:00

It'll happen, I promise.

2009-08-06T16:52:00.001-05:00

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!

2009-08-04T19:45:00.000-05:00

Monkey Shines

2009-08-04T10:02:00.001-05:00

More at 11

2009-08-03T18:31:00.002-05:00